We Create The Illusion
“We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.” – Orson Welles
I’ve been struggling with intense, stabbing loneliness. Struggling both with feeling lonely, and feeling guilty about feeling lonely. Guilt because I know that I am not alone; I have friends, I have family, I have pets. But it is still there, a palpable feeling of being isolated, physically and emotionally removed from others. To quote one of my favorite movies, “I am an island. I am bloody Ibiza!”
I am lonely. I long for, I pang for mutual understanding. A connection. A bond. Something shared.
Loneliness and Depression have that mutual understanding, that connection with eachother. Their relationship makes sense. Their psychotic partnership makes the people around them feel alone and feel like shit. Depression throws us to the floor so that Loneliness can kick us when we’re down. It would be a beautiful partnership if it didn’t siphon off one’s will to live.
But still… you have to marvel at their efficacy. They are a unified front if ever I saw one.
I’ve given years and years to medication and therapy, but for all of my crying and breakthroughs and dosages and checks I sometimes, often, think I am no better. In fact, sometimes, often, I think I am worse. Before I wanted the sadness and hurt to stop and was willing to make that happen, even if making that happen involved hurting myself. Now I want the sadness and hurt to stop, but I’m unwilling – seemingly unable – to make it happen.
I am standing still.
I want joy. Elation. C O N T E N T M E N T. I want to MOVE. Feel movement. And I really, truly, desperately want to feel something lasting and permanent, something more constant than loneliness.
I don’t know how to do that, how to GENUINELY feel anything but alone, but I know that I won’t learn if I’m sitting here. So today, right now, I am going outside and I will walk. I am going to walk until I am tired, until my limbs ache and my mind is so full of the things I’ve seen that there isn’t room to be lonely.
I think I might be walking for a long time.
I AM: DOING therapeutic (I hope) walking