Having An Adventure
“When you’re safe at home you wish you were having an adventure; when you’re having an adventure you wish you were safe at home.” – Thornton Wilder
Ladies and gentlemen, I am both at home and having an adventure. More specifically, I am having an adventure ABOUT home. My new home. My new OWN home.
Soon I will need to change my bio (see right) from, “One girl, one boy, one cat, two birds, a sunny Baltimore apartment…” to “…a sunny Baltimore rowhouse that requires tons of work and is currently in a sketchy neighborhood but will be totally awesome in a couple of years once Canary puts in a furnace and some dang insulation and digs the bodies out of the basement floor and the neighborhood turns around due to the mega massive development project happening there.”
Though the revision doesn’t really roll off the tongue like the original did.
While I’m at it, I should also change my bio to read “three birds” instead of two (thanks to the addition of Rose Tyler, Ollie’s luvah and best bud), and totally eradicate the “shady garden” (since my downstairs neighbors now let their dog deficate in the backyard and I refuse to go back there with all the poopiness) and the “handful of recipes” (since I never – NEVER – cook).
Maybe I should also change “some” to “more than all the stars in the heavens” when I refer to my “superfluous flesh.”
But I’m digressing. Back to the topic at hand: HOME OWNERSHIP, BABY!
So here’s the skinny on me buying a house in the ghetto: Mr. Mystery decided to speculate in the abandoned Baltimore rowhouse market – there are an estimated 16,000 abandoned buildings in the city – which got us trudging all over the doomed parts of Charm City, of which there are a lot. A. LOT. Like 16,000 a lot. After looking at several houses, my honey bun chose a house in HELL which held great appeal for him, since he likes to flirt with Death and laughs in the face of danger.
In an effort to show that crazy man ‘o mine that there were other houses out there – better houses, houses that weren’t demonicly possessed and intent on assault and battery – I found this gem:
And I liked her. And Mr. Mystery said, “If you won’t buy her, I will.” So I did.
Don’t let her fool you, people. My gal has potential. P to the -otential, fer reals. And at $15,000, I am willing to forgive a lot.
Yep, you read that right. 15 G’s, my friends. 15 measly thousands for 3 floors, 15 windows, 15 stairs (20 if you count the stoop), 3 bedrooms, 2 rotting porches, 1 bathroom, 1 kitchen, 1 pantry, 1 living room (with 2 French pocket doors, mon Dieu!), 1 dining room, 1 kitchen, and 1 scary-the-hell-ass basement. And 0 furnaces.
“But Canary,” you say with concern, “French pocket doors are nice, but a cheap house is not worth risking your personal safety. Consider the neighborhood!” You tell me with a sage shake of your head, ”You can’t put a price on safety.”
Au contraire, mon frere. I CAN put a price on safety, and that price? It’s $15,000.
But to put all y’all minds at ease, let me tell you a little about my new kingdom. It’s name? ‘Tis Westport. It’s located in South Baltimore on the Middle Branch of the Patapsco River. If you make a right at the RESCO waste processing facility, go over the railroad tracks, and drive past the electrical plant, you’ll be in Westport. If you look around, you’ll likely be underwhelmed.
But starting next year, Westport is going to be a hotbed of activity. The Turner Development Group is turning my new neighborhood into something grand. Something illustrious. Something with an 80,000 SF hotel, luxury apartments, high-end townhomes, and more restaurants than you can shake a stick at. They’re turning it into something they’re calling Westport Waterfront. And when that development happens, my wee $15K house will catapult itself to something worthy of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Or MTV’s Cribs. If, you know, I get a furnace by that time.
So tonight I sign the contract and in 45 days I will have the keys to my very own renovation project. All those stairs, all those windows, all those no-furnaces… MINE. ALL MINE.
I AM: CREATING my first home.